Cows and First Date Etiquette, The Hillman Imp and Insurance Claims.
What I was doing carrying a long heavy bench seat through a country paddock, I really don't know. It was the type of heavy old wooden bench seat that you may have found in a lunch shed in Junior School in the 60's. It weighed more than I could carry easily, but when a bull began charging at a group of us walking through the countryside, I found the super strength to pick it up and throw it straight at the said attacker, although missing it. Fortuitously, the bench kept springing back into my hands, three or four times until finally, the final throw of the seat stopped the bull in time to allow an elderly couple to scramble to safety, over an old gate.
In the meantime, an old teenage-years friend of mine who sadly passed away prematurely a couple of years ago, drove by in his old but still pristine Hillman Imp. Brenton was at least 6ft 2" tall and made an unusual sight in the Imp. The group of us who had just fended off the bull somehow managed without effort to climb into the tiny 2 door car and drive off as though nothing had really happened at all. The fact that Brenton was there in his car was certainly no surprise to any of us.
The weird thing is that the last thing factual that I really remember about Brenton is the day he "dacked" me in front of a crowd of friends when we about 13 years old. Dacking being the refined art of sneaking up behind someone and somehow grabbing their "dacks" or pants and pulling them straight to the ground which he managed to do that day with considerable ease. Perhaps I was wearing shorts, I don't know, but I still remember with some chagrin that he managed to drop both my pants and undies in front of a very amused crowd including my then girlfriend-in-waiting or wishing as was probably more the case. I remember standing in front of this crowd of friends for some seconds, totally disrobed. Come to think of it, I was carrying something in my arms and took a few seconds to respond. Obviously the sight was amusing for the others who broke up in the hilarity of it all but is something I have lived in fear of ever since, always being sure to pull my belt one hole tighter than is necessary, just in case.
The only thing I can relate to the incident with the bull and the arrival of Brenton is that also when we were teenagers, I discovered that I have the curious ability to get a complete herd of cows to begin "mating" , or at least trying to. It was whilst on a youth camp and hiding in a thicket of trees I began imitating a cow call I had heard earlier. It worked with such success that we were soon surrounded by a herd of angry , or perhaps "randy" cows all trying to get at us. We also discovered that my cow call made bulls angry. Very angry. They would try to crash down a fence to get to me in an obvious jealous rage. The Bull should have known better. No matter how skinny and pimply I may have been as a teenager, cows were never going to be my type. Although later in life, having imbibed one or two too many, may account for a few stories which will never be repeated here, but for clarity, only involve the opposite sex.
The dream about the bench seat is still a mystery to me, I really can't understand it.
But the incident regarding the herd of cows remains true to this day, and often times I have demonstrated to amused friends this innate ability to get a complete herd of cows to try mating each other. However, I did learn an expensive lesson many years ago when I did this demonstration whilst sitting in my then brand new Holden Calais as we drove through a paddock to a friends house. A cow really did try mounting the car, placing both hoofs firmly on the boot of the car denting it considerably with hoof marks. A Hillman Imp would have been a better size for it.
Perhaps I could have avoided this at the time, if only I had a bench seat to throw at the offender.
And I can assure you that it is probably better to be dacked in public than to go to your insurance company and expect to be heard with some sincerity , when you try to lodge your insurance claim stating that the damage to your car was caused by a cow trying to mate with your car.
And it was only a first date.
Ned Hoskin
www.WedByNed.com.au
http://saidbyned.blogspot.com
( for sound effects, click the following link)
http://office.microsoft.com/en-au/images/results.aspx?qu=cows&origin=FX010132103#ai:MS910219273|
In the meantime, an old teenage-years friend of mine who sadly passed away prematurely a couple of years ago, drove by in his old but still pristine Hillman Imp. Brenton was at least 6ft 2" tall and made an unusual sight in the Imp. The group of us who had just fended off the bull somehow managed without effort to climb into the tiny 2 door car and drive off as though nothing had really happened at all. The fact that Brenton was there in his car was certainly no surprise to any of us.
The weird thing is that the last thing factual that I really remember about Brenton is the day he "dacked" me in front of a crowd of friends when we about 13 years old. Dacking being the refined art of sneaking up behind someone and somehow grabbing their "dacks" or pants and pulling them straight to the ground which he managed to do that day with considerable ease. Perhaps I was wearing shorts, I don't know, but I still remember with some chagrin that he managed to drop both my pants and undies in front of a very amused crowd including my then girlfriend-in-waiting or wishing as was probably more the case. I remember standing in front of this crowd of friends for some seconds, totally disrobed. Come to think of it, I was carrying something in my arms and took a few seconds to respond. Obviously the sight was amusing for the others who broke up in the hilarity of it all but is something I have lived in fear of ever since, always being sure to pull my belt one hole tighter than is necessary, just in case.The only thing I can relate to the incident with the bull and the arrival of Brenton is that also when we were teenagers, I discovered that I have the curious ability to get a complete herd of cows to begin "mating" , or at least trying to. It was whilst on a youth camp and hiding in a thicket of trees I began imitating a cow call I had heard earlier. It worked with such success that we were soon surrounded by a herd of angry , or perhaps "randy" cows all trying to get at us. We also discovered that my cow call made bulls angry. Very angry. They would try to crash down a fence to get to me in an obvious jealous rage. The Bull should have known better. No matter how skinny and pimply I may have been as a teenager, cows were never going to be my type. Although later in life, having imbibed one or two too many, may account for a few stories which will never be repeated here, but for clarity, only involve the opposite sex.
The dream about the bench seat is still a mystery to me, I really can't understand it.
But the incident regarding the herd of cows remains true to this day, and often times I have demonstrated to amused friends this innate ability to get a complete herd of cows to try mating each other. However, I did learn an expensive lesson many years ago when I did this demonstration whilst sitting in my then brand new Holden Calais as we drove through a paddock to a friends house. A cow really did try mounting the car, placing both hoofs firmly on the boot of the car denting it considerably with hoof marks. A Hillman Imp would have been a better size for it.
Perhaps I could have avoided this at the time, if only I had a bench seat to throw at the offender.
And I can assure you that it is probably better to be dacked in public than to go to your insurance company and expect to be heard with some sincerity , when you try to lodge your insurance claim stating that the damage to your car was caused by a cow trying to mate with your car.
And it was only a first date.
Ned Hoskin
www.WedByNed.com.au
( for sound effects, click the following link)
http://office.microsoft.com/en-au/images/results.aspx?qu=cows&origin=FX010132103#ai:MS910219273|
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