Said by Ned : G'day!

Well , it had to be done and here we are! After inventing the trading name of Wed by Ned ( when you live in a country town called Indented Head!) and having every rhyming idea thrown at you ever since, the Said By Ned blog is up and running. Just so you know, I do like a glass of Red, but I don't do funerals, which of course would mean trading as Dead by Ned. I don't think that quite cuts it.

My friends are forever coming up with new ideas for me...Fed by Ned, Red by Ned, Bred by Ned, and one  or two which are a bit more "bawdy", which I will leave to your imagination.

I love to write my satirical views on Australian Country Life , often from the viewpoint of the Pub culture and have been known for a series of cartoons and articles based on a view of Life in Australia.

Here is one such example!

LOSING IT & THE NAKED TRUTH OF ART & SPEEDING.

I had just heard about the Legal eagle in The States, suing his Laundry for $64 million for the stress of losing not one but 2 pairs of pants when it struck me that I couldn’t find my own favourite jeans. Searching the house, laundry etc for half an hour had me in a state of frustration until I made that terrifying discovery that has happened to all of us some time…. I was wearing them.

Next thing, I was off to the Indented Head* General Store. My eyes were still glazed from another Friday night “Happy Hour “or it should be “Happy Night” at The Ol’ Duke. With my T-Shirt quickly pulled on, inside out and tag to front, I picked up the necessary Saturday morning relief food and papers. There was no-one else about as I climbed back into my car to leave. Checking carefully for cars, I backed out of my park. The crunch of metal and plastic shattering woke me from my morning sleep-walk as I cursed the idiot who must have just at that moment pulled up behind me? Checking rear-view mirrors, nothing to see…at first. Then it struck me. As I climbed out to find my own trailer, nicely wedged partly underneath my own car. Dang, I had omitted to notice it was on the car as I left home and it jack-knifed into my own car. I began to swap phone numbers with myself when the futility of it struck and I drove off, more crunching and grinding as the trailer extricated itself from underneath the car.

Then there was The Landrover incident when I hid the keys to my (really) old Landrover in a safe place in my shed, and two years later, they are still in hiding. The shed has been turned upside down several times since then but presumably the keys have developed their own life form and enjoy the game of hide and seek. Next time I hide something in a safe place, I will write about it in this column so that someone might remind where I put them.

We all do it sometimes, spending time looking for your reading glasses which you are wearing, or your wallet which is already in your pocket (empty, therefore, inconspicuous). Or reading a book and forgetting what happened on the previous page and falling asleep before the next one, having to start the whole thing again tomorrow night.

At nude art class in Port** on Monday nights it took me three weeks to understand that it is only the model who removes their attire. And recently during a frantic day in the office I answered the phone by picking up my coffee mug and tipping it to my ear.

So I wonder if I do deserve to be punished by $215 for exceeding the speed limit by 1km per hour, in a zone where the limit changes with the tourist season? I thought April was well outside our tourist season and am financially disadvantaged by not knowing that according to some authority, they can change speed limits at their whim. Needless to say, I am not happy with the fine for an innocent oversight on a cold, April morning, way out of tourist season.

So, that in mind, this week, I too have begun to drive at 40 in the 60 zones, 70 in the 90 zones and I always park my car for the 2 hours of operation near School zones.  Because, like the lawyer in The States who lost his, I don’t want to get caught with my pants down again.

Unless of course, I am the model at Art Class on Monday night!

Cheers,

Ned from Indented Head.