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Showing posts from June, 2011

Mr Keen and His Noisy Machines

Mr Keen moved from the burbs, to start a new life Packing the wagon with his dutiful wife Off to the country, down by the bay A machine for each chore he must do every day
You see Mister Keen, loves his machines He loves to be one of the boys Mowing the grass 4 times a week Can’t wait to use all of his toys
The edger, the mulcher, the digger, the blower Oh, such a wonderful noise The billiard green lawn, mowed to the bone The edge trimmer forever is poised
Cut it and trim it and blow any loose leaves Off the road and back on the grass Then get out the mower and do it again How he loves the feeling to last
Hear all the motors, loud as can be Bless 2 stroke they are loud and they smoke Doing the chores that a man has to do Must be done loud, to be one of the blokes
Don’t dig that hole, with an old fashioned spade Don’t gather the leaves with a rake Get a machine to dig that hole clean Blow the leaves with all the noise you can make
Mr Keen moved from the burbs, to start a new life Packing the wagon with his dut…

On Leprechauns and Man Bags.

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I have good friends Lou and Jan who live nearby on a great property with their entrepreneurial son Jack. Interestingly Lou & Jack have asked me to write them a story including leprechauns and Man bags. I assume this request came about because of the night that I saw a number of Leprechauns up at their property. I think it was also the same night that I saw Martians alighting from space ships, a 3 eyed tiger and rats wearing bricks on their backs, walking with a bad limp. Elvis was there that night too, or was that another night when incredibly some rabbits somehow spontaneously combusted and ran up the neighbours’ vacant land setting fire to it…which incredibly is what the fireman’s’ report said.
 I was going to insert a picture of Jan here, showing her laughing deliriously on the night; however, I can’t find one so here is a picture of Philippe the cockatiel instead. Philippe is a wonderful bird although he does have a persistent habit of wolf whistling at girls. I often wonder wh…

The Wedding Day Vows.

The Wedding Day Vows.
The Bride was running very late The Groom was looking fraught Eventually she did turn up In her dress, so very short.
Do you? I do, indeed I do, And you… Indeed do too? Oh yes of course I do indeed I do, I do, do too.
And what about your sacred Vows? Oh I have them here for you, Yes here they are,I practised them, Ah yes, A, E , I,O,U !!

Ned Hoskin

Mincing my Words.

Being a non-practising, semi-vegitarian, vegan with liberal views,  I deliberately left home in time to catch the Butcher shop, before their closing time of 5pm. to buy my once a year rack of lamb.

It's a five minute drive and I wanted to Meat the deadline! I was horrified to see that at 4.48pm they had closed the doors and pulled the shutters down tight. "What a hide"  I thought.

Damn! What goes on in a butchers shop before 5 pm one wonders?  With the blinds drawn. Obviously there are certain events which to discuss here , may be a little too close to the bone. 

Anyway, I soon loined that its not worthhaving a gristle. 


I had never Herd of the butcher shutting before 5pm.


As I drove off, the butcher was walking along the street and called out "Hey mate, sorry, you'll have to go down to the supermarket, I had a big Sale and only have some beef left!" 


I called back "Thanks anyway but no thanks, I only have eyes for Ewe! " 


End of the Tail.











Nights at The Round Table with the Knights of the Round Table!

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In around 2003 I became aware of a group of true locals who frequent The Pub every day at 4pm! These guys are the Salt of the Town and an amazing source of laughs, stories and knowledge. As they sit in the same chair at The Round Table each day I soon became aware of a need to begin recording some of the funnier incidents that happen there...or at least inspired by events that occur there. Hence the cartoon, "Nights with The Knights of The Round Table"was born.

Said by Ned : G'day!

Well , it had to be done and here we are! After inventing the trading name of Wed by Ned ( when you live in a country town called Indented Head!) and having every rhyming idea thrown at you ever since, the Said By Ned blog is up and running. Just so you know, I do like a glass of Red, but I don't do funerals, which of course would mean trading as Dead by Ned. I don't think that quite cuts it.

My friends are forever coming up with new ideas for me...Fed by Ned, Red by Ned, Bred by Ned, and one  or two which are a bit more "bawdy", which I will leave to your imagination.

I love to write my satirical views on Australian Country Life , often from the viewpoint of the Pub culture and have been known for a series of cartoons and articles based on a view of Life in Australia.

Here is one such example!


LOSING IT & THE NAKED TRUTH OF ART & SPEEDING.
I had just heard about the Legal eagle in The States, suing his Laundry for $64 million for the stress of losing not one b…